1000 Little Thoughts

IMG_4837I’m going to start this out with a trigger warning…what I’m about to talk about isn’t easy for some people to hear or read. And if you’re family…I’m sorry I kept this from you, but this was  mine to keep and mine to share when I was finally ready.

There’s been a lot of buzz lately about suicide, suicide prevention,  and suicide awareness since the release of the Netflix series “13 reasons why”. I’ve heard some say it glorifies suicide and there is concern as to how “angsty” or “emo” kids and young adults would react. I’ve also heard others say it depicts the true nature of what those who have attempted and who have succeeded possibly feel and would want the world to know. I will tell you right off the bat I have not watched the series and I most likely will not. I am choosing not to watch the series for one reason and that reason is my mental health. I’ve struggled for a really long time to keep myself above water per say and I’m not about to fuck it up over a Netflix series. Am I happy that this type of conversation is beginning to happen? Hell yes…and here’s why:

What I can tell you is that suicide is not meant to be selfish or attention seeking . In fact most people who end up attempting do it usually as an act of desperation. Desperation to finally be free of the haunting words,feelings, and images they constantly see and feel.  Desperation to not feel numb anymore or to finally be able to rest. The desperation to allow the ones you feel you’re hindering to move on and live a better life. It’s blinding and manipulative to the person committing. It’s also the only way out of it all that they can see. People don’t do it to cause suffering. They usually do it to try to end suffering- both theirs and the ones around them that they feel they’ve become a burden to. I’m sure anyone else who has been in the type of situation could tell you multiple other reasons as well. I can only tell you what I know, what I felt.

I think for me it started in 8th grade. I just remember waking up feeling worthless and like I didn’t deserve to be around. I felt like I was a pain in the ass for people to deal with and that I had nothing to give to the world. I was a failure who couldn’t make anyone happy and disappointed everyone. Those feelings just got worse and worse through high school. I knew it wasn’t true. I had hard evidence saying the opposite. But even with all of the evidence I had I could never make myself believe it.

Once I hit college I spiraled. I became closed off and quiet. I didn’t really feel anything. I had given up. The below is part of a passage from an entry I wrote in November 2011- 3 months before my last suicide attempt.

“It’s hard to find a quiet place here. Not even the deepest corners of my mind fall silent anymore. It’s cold out. And in. I feel frigid. The negative seems to have consumed me. I hate it. I hate me. I hate what I am here. I hate who I am here. I feel fragile,dull,tainted- like there’s no purpose for me. I find it odd how fragile my mind is. It seems to shatter like a bottle thrown against a wall. I did that earlier…threw a bottle. I easily break and then tape myself together. I wonder how the trees stay warm. They’ve shed their coats and stand before me naked. If they’re truly alive how do they not freeze to death? If I touch one it feels cold- maybe they hide their pain too. Maybe that’s where the connection is. We both hide ourselves under what we think are layers, but in reality we’ve shed our skins to the point of being naked. Everyone suspects something. I wish I knew what they saw. But honestly my mind is full to the point of knowing nothing. Tomorrow’s just another day of soulless confusion. I can feel my body tingle, begging me to go inside. But I refuse. Just one more moment of silence- away from the nothingness. It’s so loud it drives me crazy. I wish I knew what else to say. There’s always more- but I’m tired of digging. I feel out of place, a thorn is someone’s side or maybe a needle in a haystack. But who really wants to find a needle? Who wants to find me?”

Once you hit that grey area it becomes scary and your options seem limited. 3 months later I attempted twice in one night. But I was lucky because that night someone did want to find me. I was lucky because someone forced me to spit out the pills. That same person fought to hold me down to take the knife away from me as I cried in desperation to just let me die. I was lucky because someone saw me. They saw I needed help but didn’t know how to ask.

Not everyone is lucky. Whether you choose to watch the show or not is up to you. But suicide, awareness, and suicide prevention need to be discussed. They need to be conversations. Those of us in the dark need to be heard- even if we can’t speak. Make sure to take the time to really talk to the people in your life.

I was lucky and because of that I’ve now gone 7 years with no attempts. Everyday I still wake up with the thoughts- those don’t really ever go away. But when I ask myself if I’m worthy, even if I don’t believe it that day, my answer is always yes.

We are all worthy.
You are worthy

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I’m Sorry is an action, not a phrase.

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I’m Sorry…two very little words that aren’t very hard to say. Yet- they seem to be the most difficult words to pronounce by, well, pretty much everyone. No one likes to be wrong, but we all are at least once. I know that I absolutely hate admitting that I’m in the wrong or did something wrong. When I have to say these two words it feels like the world just came crashing down and everyone has the point at you and laugh stick.

I’m Sorry is not just a phrase- it’s an action, and a really fucking hard one too! Just saying you’re sorry doesn’t actually mean you are. If there are no actions that follow this than what was the point? Let’s do a  simple scenario to prove the point.

Person A spills their soup on the table and apologizes to person B with an “I’m sorry”. No sympathetic tone or rushed actions, no shocked eyes, and worst of all…no assistance in helping person B clean up said soup.

So, what was the point of apologizing if clearly person A wasn’t really sorry?

It’s because the words have lost value, but everyone still feels they carry weight.  It’s a habit now. Someone cuts you off-Sorry. They bump into you-sorry. They grab the last box of dishwashing soap- Sorry.

But, it’s all routine. And I, for one, am tired of routine apologies.

So, next time you accidently spill something or bump shoulders make sure to make your apology real. It will make you and the other person feel better. And to show that I’m not just all talk I have a very big apology to make.

I’ve been ridiculously difficult and stubborn over the past month or so. I mean more so than usual. And the person that’s had to deal with it the most shouldn’t have to-even though it is technically her job. No one deserves the amount of stubborn bullheadedness I’ve put her through as of late and the fact that she has put up with it and called me out several times for it means the world to me. Sometimes I get scared and I close up and I just fight everyone and everything that I can. But, it’s not fair to those that have to deal with it. So, I’m sending my apology and I can write it and say it until my face is blue and my fingers are blistered- but this doesn’t mean anything unless there’s action as well. This is a promise to not only this individual, but to myself to be open to suggestion and to *TRY*  something that maybe hasn’t worked previously or that I haven’t tried. I promise to not be perfect at it and to still try to scoot around it, but I also promise that when I come home I’ll probably try it anyways because this individual deserves at least that from me.

Remember, I’m Sorry is an action, not a phrase.