Yellow Nice to Meet You

2017 has been a hard year full of a lot of lessons, pain, and heartbreak. I lost 3 dogs and my Godson, was in a major car accident, injured my back, and had a setback with my autoimmune disease. But this year was also filled with a lot of travel and new opportunities. I was able to take more trainings, learn new ways to teach, roadtrip multiple times, explore Europe, get a new tattoo, and travel with one of my best friends.  I’ve learned a lot about myself this year and even though I’m very happy to see it coming to an end I appreciate what the year has shown me. Here are just some of the lessons from 2017.

You are not required to like everyone.

 You don’t even have to have a reason for not liking them. Not liking someone or not wanting them in your life does not make you a bad person.

You’re going to lose a lot of friends in your 20’s, but you’ll find the ones that will stick with you for life.

As you start to really come into your own you’ll find you have a lower tolerance for bullshit and fake friends and “when it works for them” friends. Some of the people you’ll lose you may really be sad to lose-but overall you’ll be better off-even in the moments where you miss their craziness.

Love isn’t everything.

It’s great, sure- but it’s not the end all be all. You can be a whole person even without being in love. In fact you SHOULD be a whole person whether or not you’re in love.

 If you want to eat it, just fucking eat it.

What you put into your body is your business. If you want to eat a mozzarella ball like a damn apple, have at it. But like, also eat green things now and then. You can even put mozzarella on it! Practicing moderation is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself.

You’re probably not as weird as you think.

Literally everyone is fucking bizarre. You’re probably just as normal as them…maybe a little weirder, maybe a little less weird. Just embrace the weird.

Read the fine print

 Read your terms and conditions, your contracts, your rental agreements, read the tiny little lines under the fine print, etc. BEFORE you sign or agree to anything. You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble and potential embarrassment should something happen and you could potentially save yourself some money if you have to relay back to that information.

 Allow yourself to have a European adventure (or some other place) and maybe a side of romance too.

Oh! And bring the friend that’s going to push you outside of your comfort zone along. Trust me- it will lead to some pretty epic stories.

Don’t look for people to fix you, look for people who will stand beside you as you fix yourself.

You don’t need people to tell you that you need to be fixed or to try and do it for you. You need people who will be there to hand you the pieces or the hammer or a screwdriver (cocktail variation accepted). You need the people that give you space when needed, but know when you need a good shove in the ass and a night out. You don’t need someone to hold your hand unless you’re on a metaphorical tightrope (or a real one I suppose) and are losing your balance. Make sure the people you surround yourself with are the ones that don’t try to control you or manipulate you-but allow you to make decisions (even the dumb ones). That’s how you learn.

Forgiving someone is not weakness; hating them is.

It’s okay to sleep in sometimes!

Caffeine doesn’t always cut it. In a world that never shuts off, it’s okay to take some extra time to catch up on sleep. Your body and brain will thank you for it.

Take all the pictures you possibly can

You never know when the last moment will be. Allow yourself to document anything and everything that made you smile or laugh, feel good.

Loss is ridiculously painful

It hurts beyond words and it never makes sense and it feels like the world is ending. And in a way the world has ended-it’s not the same world that you knew. Don’t try to ball up the pain. Let it come out in a healthy form that helps you.

Being a Godmother is nothing like in Cinderella.

 It’s surreal and slightly scary knowing that you may potentially inherit a tiny human. But it’s also the greatest feeling in the world to know that someone has that much faith in you that they would trust you to raise and care for the most precious human in their life.

Even bad years have a reason

The harder years show you who you really are and how far you’ve come and how far you have yet to go. They fucking suck ass, but they teach you so much about yourself.

 Having an incurable autoimmune disease is not a death sentence it’s a wake-up call.

When I first got my diagnosis I was only able to look at the nail in the coffin. Two years and 3 intense treatments later I’ve come to realize that being sick doesn’t mean I have to be sick. It means I need to appreciate the life I have and am creating. I’ve taken this time to do things I never thought I’d do again like go back into ballet.

Your body is going to change.

My almost 29 year old body is nothing like the 22, 24, or even 27 year old body I had. This body aches a little more and is in pain a bit more often than it used to be. It doesn’t bend as much now and I don’t contort like I used to. But this current body has a lot of new battle scars and even when it’s achy or tired I know it’s strong.

Cherish your challenges.

This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. When my life looked far from happy, I thought that it wasn’t fair that I had to experience so many difficulties. I wished that I would wake up one day and problems would just disappear. But the more I hoped for having a magic wand, the tenser my challenges have felt. Now I understand that sometimes the shortest way is to walk through the fire and stay open. Don’t close your eyes. Look around and see what the challenges are meant to teach you.

 Very few people truly know what they’re doing in life.

It’s an illusion that most people have life figured out. If you sat down and really talked to people at any age, you’ll discover they’re just as insecure or unsure of themselves as you feel.

 Fake it till you make it.

If you don’t know how to do it – learn it. We’re all capable of learning as we go. Be confident in your mistakes and in your growths.

Do things alone.

Go to that movie alone, eat at that restaurant by yourself – doing things alone helps make you feel more comfortable with yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company.

 Be with yourself as you are without having to change anything.

The first time I heard this was a couple of years ago in a yoga class. It’s one of only a handful of phrases to stick with me from a class. We spend so much time trying to force ourselves to be different or better or skinnier or faster or smarter. We never just take the time to pause and be with ourselves the way we are right now. I’m not saying don’t continue to work toward your goals. But take a moment to make sure they haven’t changed or to verify that you aren’t there yet. Take a moment to appreciate you for you and to just be.

 Talk to people when you’re unsure or feel alone.

There were so many time this year where I felt like I just didn’t know if I was making good choices. I knew they were the right choices for me- but it seemed like everyone else was going the other way. I questioned everything- especially my teaching style. I was having auditions that seemed to go great- amazing feedback from students and teachers and potential employers. But then I wouldn’t hear back or the place would go with a teacher who taught fancy party tricks. It made me question whether people wanted yoga or if they wanted cirque de soleil. And usually right around the time I would feel like giving up I would talk to someone or someone would talk to me and I realized I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only teacher out there who found these fancy poses dangerous or unrealistic. I wasn’t the only one teaching in a different way or feeling out of place.

Trust yourself enough to fall.

You won’t break. You are more resilient than you think.

Believe in the beauty of your own words.

 A blank Word document, an empty journal, or that notebook you bought for your own poetry. Type. Write. Scribble. Press backspace or crumple up drafts if you need to. Just don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard

 Society isn’t in charge of your happiness

I’m about to be 29 and I’m not married and I don’t have babies. I don’t have a steady 9-5 and I freelance to make a living. Society looks at this sometimes and raises an eyebrow. What they fail to consider is that they’re not in charge of my happiness and well being. I am.  I’m not married because it isn’t something that I need to do to feel whole. But do I let it define the progress and realness of my relationships? Absolutely not. The same applies for kids.

When I decided to quit corporate, society’s fears were projected on to me time and time again: How would I afford my rent? What about health insurance? How would I get steady work?

The fact of the matter is that if you want it bad enough, you’ll figure it out. It’s as simple as that.

 

Our lives are a series of events.

Events that change us, challenge us,break us, heal us. Events that cause chain reactions and explosions. Some of us face abuse, divorce, death. Some of us face fame, success, popularity. Some of us face everything in between. Each with their own lesson, their own darkness, their own beauty. Every event creates a part of us and destroys another. Constantly building ourselves to the person we are in this exact moment. As humans we try to protect ourselves. We look too far forward or stay stuck in the past- guarded and shielded. What I’ve come to learn is that we have to experience the now. We have to shed the layers, allow old wounds to heal, embrace who we are, and allow change to happen when it needs to. It’s never easy. Life is never easy. That’s what makes it exciting. ..

XO,

Andie

 

2017

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Veni Vidi Amavi                 

Veni Vidi Amavi 

    We came. We Saw. We Loved. 

 

I’ve been back in the states for a couple of days now and as always after travel I find myself reevaluating where I am and where I want to be. This trip was so much different and wonderful than I could have ever hoped for. I found out so much more about myself than I ever could have imagined. 

 

I haven’t been out of the country since my autoimmune disease diagnosis. I needed time to understand it and get to a place where my body and my mind were strong enough to handle lengthy trips again. I was beyond nervous as I had been having a horrible flare up for several weeks before leaving and didn’t know if the doctors would clear me. I barely scraped by with clearance just a day before I was supposed to leave. There were times during the trip where I could feel my body aching and tiring too quickly but overall I felt more like myself than ever. I won’t say my old self though because that self was broken, confused, and very lost. I’ve never been ashamed of where I’ve been or who I’ve been…it’s all a part of me and a part of my story and I appreciate those parts the most as they helped me claw my way out of the little shell I had glued and stapled myself into. This trip managed to rip off the small remnants that were still bandaged on. 

 

Brussels forced me out of comfort zone like no other trip ever had. It provided a feeling of liberation as I learned to fly by the seat of my pants again and to not be afraid of what comes next. There was no plan- a very not me move. Every day brought on a new adventure with different twists and turns that I could have never anticipated. I had the most resistance with Brussels as it was so far out of my comfort zone and with that I found more freedom and the ability to resolve my emotions. 

 

Dublin captivated me. I was in awe at the beauty of the cliffs of Moher and the ruins of the Rock Cashel. The stunning grounds of Blarney found the magical spark I thought had gone out long ago as the history flooded through every tree and rock. The streets of Dublin and the swans captured my heart in a way I don’t think I will ever be able to fully describe as I lived out the perfect movie scene day after day.

London reminded me just how connected we all are. We were all so different, but together we blended into the most imperfect mesh of culture, society, and humanity. I got to be Alice, meet the more sophisticated London version of me, conquer fears, get tattooed, and eat foods from all over. London, most of all, felt like home. Some city, some art, and the ease of walking around a place that seemed so familiar yet very new. 

 

And I got to do it all with my best friend by my side as she kept me wild and I kept her safe. 

 

Hello Starshine; the Earth says Hello

Throughout our lives we are constantly redefining, rediscovering, and relearning who we are. We are in a constant state of change. Ebbing and flowing like the tides- having our highs and our lows. But each time we take small pieces of our old selves with us-like little grains of sand. We may not know what these grains are until something occurs to make us stir the sea again and these little pieces of us re-appear.

My life has fallen apart around me at least 20 times in the 27 years that I’ve been on this Earth and will probably fall apart at least another 30 times. I’ve been in the rip tide of the latest falling for probably about a year now- using all the strength I have to swim with the undertones of the tide. It’s been daunting and exhausting, and simply painful sometimes. But, the beauty of life falling apart is the fact that you do get to build yourself up again. We get to reinvent ourselves using small pieces from each “life” we’ve taken part in. Right now I’m picking up the pieces of the identity that I lost in the whirlwind of relationship compromises, job obligations, and money-based motivations; and despite an aching loneliness for my former life, my heart is overflowing with more love and gratitude than I thought possible.

Only through these heart-wrenching challenges can we grow and develop and become more fully who we were meant to be. As I find myself slowly reaching closure in all forgotten aspects of my soul I have been forced to unlock the closed doors of my core; full of dusty memories and misplaced dreams.

My yoga practice really showed up to heal wounds inflicted through years of betrayal as it’s become sweeter, playful, and more soulful. I often think of yoga as a practice which moves beyond the boundaries of the spoken word. A place where lessons become threads in the strong weave of our own practice. Even within the held space of an asana, we find the dance of the breath, the constant subtleties of tuning that align the body more harmoniously. When we focus our gaze inwards, we begin to invite light into the shadows. We learn to take all our sorrows and our hurt and wrap them in the blanket of our own self-love. And then we learn to be compassionate and to trust the process. Through the darkest nights of your soul, a light shines forth and that light allows us-for a moment- to lay that weight to rest so we can finally begin that new cycle of breath; of life. We may still look the same; just as the ocean. But we are forever changed- forever ebbing and flowing.

 

Nothing to Say

I have been having a difficult time with trying to think of a topic this week.There are quite a few people who read my blog that I never thought would and sometimes that makes writing  it scary. There are times where I don’t feel like I have anything to say or that it’s just not significant enough to mention. And then I realize that that’s total bullshit. I am probably way too opinionated and stubborn to NOT say something, even if no one cares.

This made me realize that everyone has something to say. It’s just that sometimes we don’t feel we can say it or we don’t know how to express it in an appropriate matter. I’m not going to lie- I definitely struggle with the latter. I like to be blunt or I like to dance around the subject- both can lead to obvious misinterpretations. However, this is my blog and I’m giving you fair warning now-

I will not cater to anyone else.

My entries are for me more so than for anyone else. Yes, I love when people read what I have to say and for them to chime in. And it’s even better when they take something away from it. But, ultimately- none of us are on here to please anyone else. We write or post photos or provide quotes because it’s what we feel we need to do at that moment in time.

I’m never going to purposely try to offend anyone, but I do understand that what I write can freak some people out and that’s ok. Not everyone will or has to agree with what I think or jot down on here. To me, the point of a blog, is to challenge others that read it to think outside their comfort zone and to really expand our intellect.

I’m not the most delicate writer and I don’t piece together an entry that constantly sounds poetic, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy that. I love reading entries that make me think and tug at my envy a little. It makes me want to write more- not competitive wise- but just because some part of me hopes that someone falls in love with my writing style too. I just enjoy the idea of writing what you feel you need to write. So don’t every say you have nothing to say- because there’s always something to say.